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By Edie Weinstein

"When you die, God and the angels will hold you accountable for all the pleasures you were allowed in life that you denied yourself."- Anonymous

I saw this quote last week and it remained with me and was reinforced numerous times over the past few days. So often, we turn away from life's messages and the gifts they bear, out of the belief that they really aren't meant for us or that we are undeserving of them. I am learning, as a friend mentioned recently, to "gratefully accept what is offered, without trying to pick and choose what I am willing to receive, or trying to be in control." Tall order for those of us who hold up our hands as if to block the love and say: "Enough...or rather, too much." I've been doing something lately that is uncharacteristic for me; I've been coming to recognize that as much as I enjoy the outwardly offered gifts at times, that the real gift in my life is the inner journey that I've strenuously avoided. I had myself snookered into believing that because I am a 'people person' and not particularly shy, that I was simply engaging with the people with whom I cross paths. What was missing was balance; a sense of being at home within myself, regardless of who was around or what interactions we were having. As if I didn't exist if I wasn't acknowledged as being present.

On Friday night, I went to Spirit Dancing; a monthly improv dance gathering. Although the invitation was there to play together with the other participants, I noticed that for the first time, I refrained from doing that. I closed my eyes and turned inward; dancing with me and playing the djembe I had brought with me. It wasn't until much later in the evening that I joined with the others. The music that is chosen for the movement comes from various genres. That night, quite possibly the most gorgeous chant I have ever heard beckoned me to merge with it. I've heard it before, but at that moment, it was as if my ears were experiencing it anew. Donna De Lory is best known in main stream musical circles as Madonna's back up singer. In spiritual circles, she has come to be recognized for her gifts with kirtan. The piece is called "He Ma Durga" and was co-written by our own David Newman; master of kirtan in his own right. The song honors the Goddess Durga whose role it is to protect and keep safe from harm.

The (English) lyrics touched a place deep within that sparked tears. I'll include the entire song since I couldn't find them on the internet. For those who recognize the Sanskrit words, may they touch you as well.

Jay jai ma
Jay ma durga (2x)
He ma durga
Jay jai ma (2 x)
He ma durga

Om jayanti mangala kali
Bhadra kali kapalini
Durga kshama shiva dhatri
Swaha swadha namastute

All-conquering mother, remover of darkness
beyond time, reliever of difficulties, loving, forgiving,
supporter of the universe
I offer my respect and devotion

I was so enraptured by this music that I knew I needed to have the CD called "The Lover and The Beloved". Nowhere to be found at the local stores, and even on some websites, it needed to be back ordered. I knew for sure that there was one place guaranteed to have them in stock...Yoga On Main, since that is David's studio in Philadelphia. As it turned out, I was to be in the area today meeting with a couple for whom I will be performing a wedding. Within minutes of leaving their home, I was greeted with a hug and kiss from my friend Shiva Das, David's business partner whose sweet smile accompanied the CD that he placed in my hand. The entire ride home, I was embraced by the sound. If I could have driven with my eyes closed, I would have.

Rewinding the mental imagery to yesterday and this story weaves together other gifts. One of my favorite organizations for which I volunteer is called Rubye's Kids. For the past ten years, it has hosted a holiday party for inner city children in Philadelphia. Since the party comes by the good graces of a slew of volunteers and donated items and money, fund-raising is crucial. Yesterday, we offered our second annual kids' music fest to bring in the green stuff. The entertainment included some of my talented musician friends, as well as jugglers and my faerie/clown alter-ego, Feather. My friend Peter Moses was a guiding force behind the event and as always, his youthful exuberance delighted the adults in kid suits, as well as the little ones. One of my gifts was the company of his 5 year old nieces named Daria and Lily; two beyond-beautiful little girls adopted from Cambodia. I've had the joy of watching them grow up over the past few years. They climbed all over me, dancing with abandon to Uncle Peter's music, clambering onto my lap and snuggling in at the same time as we sat on the floor listening to some of the other performers. I was in heaven. Yet another gift was one of cosmic coincidence. Two other volunteers are Steven (who manned the admission table) and Ronni Grof (with whom I did face painting) whose daughter Mirabai is David Newman's significant other.

As I move through each day, I ask to graciously and gratefully receive what is offered, regardless of form, so that when I die, God won't have to take back any unopened gifts.

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